I felt that after quite some time in your capacity as Chief Storer, Recoverer, and Deliverer of required information, it was somewhat overdue that I should provide some feedback on your performance thus far and stimulate a discussion on how we can proceed to ensure all parties are satisfied. It is understood and acknowledged that all parties involve me, me and me, but nevertheless, given recent events, matters cannot be left unattended to.
1) Immediate activity
I feel that your ability to focus on immediate activities and relay required information in a timely fashion requires substantial improvement. It is imperative that your knowledge and understanding of primary objectives such as finding house keys when I am running late for the bus, ensuring my mobile phone is in my bag before I leave the house and where I moved my boyfriend’s important paperwork to, are raised to critical importance level to ensure deadlines are met.
2) Emotional scarring bunker (ESB)
Whilst I understand it is your remit to store, retrieve and deliver as much as information as possible, management objectives require that the capacity of ESB and its delivery performance should not be prioritised above demands from immediate activity (see point 1 above). It is also imperative that ESB delivery reports are not supplied during inappropriate times such as on the train, during sex, and whilst in conversation with a parking attendant. Finally on this point, it has been noted that the ESB has been frequented far too often of late, at least monthly, if not fortnightly and a monitoring exercise will have to be implemented if concerns continue to be raised.
3) Chronological Department
Management has noticed that there is a large gap in knowledge and understanding of past events. Whilst sometimes this may be of use and indeed helpful (see point 2 above), at other times, for example whilst at a pub quiz, when discussing Auntie Maude’s wedding of the century or when I am required to recall last year’s xmas present list (for giving and receiving), it falls far short of the required achievement levels. I feel we should discuss further and set parameters so that performance can be markedly improved in this area.
4) Naming conventions
I understand that this is a common problem amongst many memory technicians, however the ability to recall someone’s name, whilst not paramount, would be of huge assistance during critical appointments such as when talking to important people I need to know for future reference, like my new Chief Executive, and investors to a big project. The time where the name of my own boyfriend was not presented, whilst in the company of and talking to his own family was possibly the most difficult situation to manage in recent times. Thankfully half of them were pissed, but seriously, woman to woman, that was not funny in the slightest.
Whilst I am sure there are many more things to discuss, at this moment in time, I can’t for the life of me think of anything else. Perhaps you can assist me in future.
Finally I must however thank you for your unconditional assistance over the past 37.5 years. I couldn’t have done it without you, and whilst there is always room for improvement and I clearly could have helped out more, I am sincerely grateful to you for providing me with some semblance of sanity – most of the time.
Yours sincerely, forever and always (pretty please!)